(approx. date? 1984? Perhaps very late 1983. Written after the previous post. These journals are hand-written; so some temporal ‘logic’ can be applied in here… Italics are OUR own notes along the thing; now and in the current time.)
“I realize that it takes a lot to keep a relationship together. There must be compromise and communication, no matter how painful at times. The ultimate act of love has to be the ability to let go if they don’t love you.” (This is still a painful lesson sometimes; we hurt on this sort of thing … but have learned.)
“Relationships take work. That’s about all I know about them Hah! Its pitifully laughable. It makes me sick that I’ve done such a good job of avoiding them. Why! Why! How could I’ve been so stupid?!”
“Oh, I know the technicalities. Compromise. Patience. Communication. Truth. Honesty. And by God I’m willing to try my damnedest to hold a working relationship together. I almost suspect that i’d do a good job and everything would go down the road that I need to get on. I think I would make a good husband and father one day. I’ve got the longing, the loneliness, the desire, and the willingness to try my hardest. But I can’t seem to get a start. I can’t open the door. Hell, I can’t even find the son of a bitch!. Lord knows, I’m screaming inside to get out. The loneliness is almost unbearable. Unbearably unbearable. It’s like a knife in my gut twentyfour hours a day. I visit my friends, trying to shake it off, but it never lets go*. And its been tightening its grip. It’s funny how it worsens every day, how it clings all the tighter when I try to shake it off. And in the shadow of love it sinks its talons deep. Every day, from the moment I wak until I sleep, and even in my dreams, it comes to torture me. Like the eagles that ate Prometheus’s liver out every day.”
“Of course I’m not totally defenseeless against it. But my defense isn’t strong enough to hold it at bay any more. My defense – dope. Good old dope. But the numbing effect no longer works. Plus, I want love, and dope stifles all emotions when you are lonely – for a while. Now the cure is a curse almost as bad as the thing it was supposed to cure. It only kills motivation. But the pain is getting so bad tthat I’m becoming more and more motivated, so soon, that won’t even hold me down anymore. Perhaps then I’ll be free to venture out of this stage I’m in.”
“But love, thats what I crave. A terrible, thirsting craving. The love of one woman who loves me, and whom I love. Maybe – one day – please God.”
We are still trying to narrow the window of time on this one … was this before – or after? – we’d been adopted into that family that taught us what love was all about? Was this before … or after so many things…. we’ll find out some more as we’re going on…
But we can see: Matthew’s in some pain. He always has been in pain. “Nobody loves him,” is his mantra in many ways.
And now get this – because it’s very important. Matthew (and me; and all of ‘ourselves’ but one or so is bisexual in nature. It’s not someone’s gender that appeals to us – it’s their personality. However, we had taken a look at this sort of thing: gay lifestyle vs. that of a homosexual – and found for the most part our chances of being ‘happy’ lay in pursing the more ‘socially acceptable’ kinds of lifestyle. This would ensure we would not come under more pressure than we’d already been on. Also we had some homosexual friends and none of them seemed very happy – not for long stretches at a time. We feel for them and feel their pain – but then again, we’ve been attacked for being ‘homosexual’ when we are not one; and by homosexuals for ‘not making up you own damned mind.’. Either way it’s wrong; we aren’t about ‘sex’ and things; it’s all about love to each and every one of us inside; nothing to do with sex in there. (Which is one of the reasons we won’t ‘have love’ or ‘make love’ with someone unless we are truly loving them to begin with … not such a horribly complicated thing; but it opens us up to a universe in love and affection; as well as giving us other things to do.)
However, we have gotten to the point of recognizing and reflecting on the properties of our Matthew being and we’ve known him for who he is. He would prefer to be in love with someone else – preferably not a woman – who would treat him with the love and affection that he so much desires and somewhat deserves … perhaps this would ‘heal him’ somewhat, knowing this sort of thing.
However, the realities of sunshine and a real life (the one we’re living) kinda precludes that sort of thing; we’re a married man and all after all and all that sort of thing. The decision wasn’t made ‘without him’ (meaning Matthew tagging along); he was voted ‘into this position’ by his own selves and others – and we grudgingly agreed to go ‘along with the plan’; knowing half our sexual lives would be missing.
We think it’s sad and not a wonderful thing the things this society makes one do. Choosing between this one and that …. purely for a ‘social’ (and in our own opinions – or at least some of them) – BS reason . . ..
For in love and loving there is no sense or reason; not for us some of the time.
And if we seem somewhat focused on love and emotion – you gotta remember: it was something that was pretty much missing for the first 20 some odd years of our life.
And if wanting to love and loving it and loving the ones you love is insane – well then . . .
just bring it on. (we are all saying).